Twenty years ago, even just ten years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to write this. I would have criticized it for having wrong values.

Now, past the age of uncertainty, having experienced and witnessed a lot, especially in matters of love, I am no longer confused.

I am satisfied with how I handle my emotions now. I am confident, composed, able to let go when needed.

Only after shedding tears, losing sleep for love, going through everything, can one truly appreciate the beauty of being able to let go.

It’s like going through hardships to reach success, like seeing the bigger picture after reaching the mountaintop. The struggles of the past have led to the achievements of the present.

Of course, I have made foolish mistakes, hurt others deeply, and abused love in the past.

Looking back now, there is regret but no remorse. Every relationship was entered into sincerely, just with varying levels of intensity.

In the world of relationships, what is purity? Staying loyal to one person forever? Never looking elsewhere? Clinging to a dead relationship that drains you?

Honestly, considering the average lifespan nowadays, it’s hard to believe that a socially active and mentally healthy person would only love one person in their lifetime.

Let’s talk biology for a moment.

Swans and geese mate for life. If one partner dies, the other won’t seek a new mate.

Recently, reading Le Jia’s book “Light” where he talks about animals with multiple mates, I came across an interesting point:

Animals with multiple mates have larger eggs to increase their chances of passing on their genes. For animals with a fixed partner, there’s no need for large eggs as there’s no sperm competition.

Humans fall between two closely related primates: chimpanzees and gorillas. Chimpanzees are polygamous, with males producing about 6 billion sperm per ejaculation. Gorillas are polygynous, with males producing about 0.5 billion sperm per ejaculation.

So where do humans stand? Human males produce about 2.5 billion sperm per ejaculation, which is between chimpanzees and gorillas.

Le Jia stops there in his book, but I couldn’t help but start thinking about relationships.

Humans fall between chimpanzees and gorillas, what does that mean? Are humans between polygamous and polygynous? In ancient times, didn’t human societies start as polyandrous and evolve into polygynous systems? The current monogamous system isn’t universal either.

Humans don’t have a monogamous gene. By nature, we can have multiple partners in a lifetime. It’s instinctual.

So, even if you have a partner, feeling attracted to someone else is normal. Having a partner doesn’t mean you lose your ability to notice other attractive people.

I used to get paranoid seeing my partner look around, but that just showed my lack of understanding of human nature. I was strict with others, lenient with myself, how arrogant I was!

If I could turn back time, I wouldn’t react the same way. I would let my loved one shine their brightest. A truly exceptional person deserves richer experiences, more choices. Loving someone means empowering them, not possessing them.

If he looks elsewhere, I wouldn’t reject other possibilities either. I believe I am exceptional too and deserve more choices.

I hope that after exploring different paths, we will still see each other clearly. Comparison can make us both more secure.

Some might say, “If you’re distracted, it means you don’t love deeply. If you truly love someone, you won’t be interested in others.”

I agree, but only during the passionate love phase.

Marriages last for decades. After facing the same person for years, emotions deepen, but mostly into affection rather than love.

Occasionally showing interest in someone else while being committed is not a big deal. It doesn’t mean your feelings are lacking or the love between you is shallow.

Of course, this doesn’t mean I support everyone engaging in extramarital affairs. Having feelings or impulses doesn’t mean acting on them. Liking someone else is one thing, taking it to bed is another.

The point is: in committed relationships, it’s normal to glance at someone else, even to feel something, or have fleeting thoughts. It’s not justifiable to overreact.

So, when you catch your partner glancing, try to stay calm, put yourself in their shoes, would you do the same? Don’t stand on a high moral ground just because they were caught first, wanting to control their thoughts.

I believe any genuine, non-selfish love is pure and beautiful.

Purity is accountable to the soul, not society’s norms.

Rules are artificial constructs, applicable in certain spaces and times for the majority’s benefit. Breaking rules can be penalized, but our souls are beyond judgment.

This perspective was influenced by Zhou Guoping. In his book “Just Yearning for the Worldly Life”, he wrote:

“Interpersonal relationships formed out of natural needs should be simple. It becomes complicated when factors like power and money interfere, making love impure. Even in complex situations like extramarital affairs, as long as the feelings are genuine and handled based on emotions, it remains pure.

But the widespread phenomena of keeping mistresses in official circles, the ‘unwritten rules’ of sex for favors in the entertainment industry and even universities, are far from pure. When natural emotions are heavily polluted, it’s the most alarming reality today. What’s even more tragic is that people seem to have accepted this as normal.”

Certainly, not all extramarital affairs can be justified by pure emotions. Once profit comes into play, purity is lost.

In conclusion, as long as money and power are not involved, occasional attractions or impulses are nothing to be alarmed about. We are driven by impulses, but we can control our actions.

Risking everything for love is courageous. But leaving room for mystery in intense emotions is also intoxicating!