This article focuses on one concept related to manipulation: empathy.
Let me first explain what empathy is. Empathy is the ability to understand the unique experiences of others and respond accordingly. In simple terms, it’s about feeling the same emotions.
For example, when watching a movie, if you find a touching scene and can’t help but cry, immersing yourself in the characters’ emotions, that’s empathy.
In relationships, the power of empathy cannot be overlooked.
A friend once shared with me how she and her husband interact. She cooks, and her husband does the dishes after meals. Sometimes, when her husband is tired from work, he would act coquettish, yes, you read that right, even a big man can be coquettish: “I had a very difficult task at work today, it took a lot of mental effort. Can you wash the dishes for me today? Thanks, my dear wife.”
In such situations, she feels that as a homemaker, she should understand her husband’s efforts to support the family, and unconsciously feels sorry for him. Despite knowing that he’s breaking a small rule, she’s willing to make a sacrifice for him.
So, what are the signs of low empathy? She might think: “Taking care of everything at home isn’t tiring? You are tired just like that, and have so many reasons. What about the next time when you are even more tired? Do I have to cater to you like a nanny? This can lead to arguments and affect the harmony of the family.
Empathy does have varying degrees, and those not good at it might say, “I’m naturally apathetic, lack sympathy for others, and can’t understand my partner’s thoughts. I can’t change.” However, this isn’t entirely true. Empathy can be influenced by innate factors. For example, we generally think that women have stronger empathy than men, but empathy is a skill that can be learned.
Let’s take a look at the 7 steps psychologists suggest to express empathy:
- Use open-ended questions
- Slow down
- Don’t rush to make judgments
- Pay attention to your body’s sensations
- Learn from the past
- Let the story unfold fully
- Set boundaries
These 7 points need to be combined with specific situations in interactions and conversations, and also consider the other person’s personality and emotional patterns. I won’t go into detail here, but you can ask me privately if you have any questions.
I mainly want to discuss a point that is often overlooked—empathy has two sides. We often say that because we understand, we forgive. People with high empathy, because they are more likely to think from others’ perspectives and empathize with their situations, are also more likely to forgive.
For example, if your husband makes a serious mistake and seeks your forgiveness to continue the marriage. At the same time, he knows that you are understanding and empathetic, so he cries and regrets, promises repeatedly, and talks about how he was forced into this situation.
Perhaps you were very angry at first, but after his repeated emotional and rational appeals, you start to relent. Slowly, you let go of your anger and defenses, start to understand and sympathize with him, and eventually forgive him.
As the saying goes, “couples often argue and reconcile,” this is a very common situation. However, upon closer inspection, something seems off: it feels like your husband used your empathy to gradually remove your principles and boundaries, falling into the frame he had already set up.
In the end, he got what he wanted—your forgiveness. But what did you get? You safeguarded the marriage, but you lost your agency because he made a mistake, and you didn’t punish him. Instead, this matter was lightly dismissed.
Is empathy to blame for this?
No.
This scenario actually serves as a warning: on one hand, you need to constantly improve your empathy and provide emotional value to your partner, enhancing the bonding of the relationship; on the other hand, you also need to guard against being manipulated by false empathy or others using your empathy. There’s a saying, “your kindness must have an edge.” I want to say, “empathy also depends on the situation.”
So, what should you do specifically?
- Learn to distinguish spontaneous empathy from purposeful empathy.
Purposeful empathy always requires you to give something, something you don’t want to lose, and often comes at a cost. Genuine emotions don’t need external pressure; you naturally resonate emotionally and take corresponding actions.
When in genuine empathy, we treat others with care and respect, always seeking the truth; however, in purposeful empathy, the thoughts and feelings of others are less important, because we are only seeking personal gain and satisfaction.
Purposeful empathy can have negative repercussions. For instance, some men take advantage of lonely wealthy women, sweet-talking and pretending to be caring, gaining their trust, and finally running off with their money.
If purposeful empathy dominates a relationship, you need to protect yourself and avoid falling into the trap of insincere empathy.
However, even in the art of war, there is a strategy of using the same tactics. Genuine and purposeful empathy can also be mutually transformed. People’s interactions really are a profound subject (just kidding)~
If you pay attention to the direction of his behavior and make adjustments, you can transform purposeful empathy into genuine empathy. The classic movie “Roman Holiday” is an example of this: the male protagonist is a journalist who initially gets close to the princess to inquire about her life in an attempt to create sensational news for his own profit.
But in the end, he genuinely falls in love with the princess, and returns all the photos he took with his friend about the princess. He gives up his ulterior motives and desires for a genuine relationship.
- Always keep your focus on the main aspects.
When a man showers you with affection, your attention tends to focus on his kindness to you, rather than the purpose behind it. This is why some women fall into the hands of love scammers.
For example, how do you distinguish between a man who genuinely loves me and pursues me, and someone who just wants to have a physical relationship with me?
It’s very simple. You continue to chat and meet with him as usual, but don’t let him touch you (have a physical relationship) for at least three months. Will he still be around after that?
After three to six months, this will help us filter out most of the scammers, because for this specific group with specific motives, efficiency is crucial, and winning the numbers game with girls is costly in terms of time.
Think about it, if he spends three to five months with you, slowly building a relationship, it’s not as effective as approaching multiple girls from elsewhere. So, after you reject him once or twice, he will give up on you. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and he will cast his net elsewhere.
As time goes by, empathy gradually reveals the truth. So, pay attention to subtle changes in your partner’s mood and behavior, and take note of details and facts that don’t quite match. As long as you focus on what you want to focus on and aren’t influenced by the other person’s tactics, you will gradually get the answers you seek.
However, I want to add one more thing. Relationships still need nurturing and care from both sides. Since you chose this person, you don’t need to be on guard against him all the time, calculating everything, setting up all sorts of barriers to test him, until you scare him away and realize how excessive you’ve been.