“Techniques” should fall under the category of “methods,” mainly referring to the skilled and flexible application of a certain way of living or working.
Applying this definition to dating techniques, it is the “skilled and flexible application of dating methods.”
If that’s the case, there probably aren’t universal “techniques” for dating. After all, there’s never a standard answer to love, and everyone is continuously learning and exploring, gradually understanding themselves and others.
Moreover, even if there are standards, is skillfulness and flexibility really superior to clumsiness? Overly focusing on techniques might make us overlook the most important “truth” in love and miss out on beautiful experiences.
Saying this doesn’t mean wanting to completely deny “techniques.”
When it comes to dating, what techniques are worth learning, how to learn these techniques, and how to apply them are all very complex questions. Summing it up with a simple “yes” or “no” is always somewhat one-sided.
So today, let’s just give up on standard answers and share a few of my viewpoints with you, hoping to inspire you.
“Two Misconceptions About Techniques”
In matters of dating techniques, people often tend to fall into two extremes.
One is the typical “only technique” belief, constantly reading posts and articles by relationship experts, trying to “quickly win over a man with the XX method,” or “control love by knowing your partner well.” They want to master the secrets of love and take absolute control in a relationship.
However, it is regrettable that many of the “love secrets” that surround us sound reasonable but lack any basis.
Things like “saying ‘I love you’ first means you lose,” “playing hard to get,” “girls shouldn’t take the lead,” “men won’t like women who are smarter than they are”… anyone with a little critical thinking ability will find that these “rules” don’t hold up to scrutiny.
Treating these as action guidelines for love will only push you further away from love.
The other extreme is to reject all “techniques,” thinking that as long as two people love each other, any method will taint the purity of the relationship.
But we know that passion in a relationship is hard to sustain. When feelings start to become normal, if you still want to be together, you need to address any potential issues in the relationship, communicate about the differences and disagreements, and work hard to maintain the relationship.
This process requires techniques.
I’ve seen many couples who clearly love each other, but because they don’t know how to communicate properly and can’t actively solve problems, they always believe that “if you love me, you should understand my thoughts” and “a good partner should know what you’re thinking without you saying anything.” Unfortunately, these relationships end due to these issues, which is very regrettable.
Then there are many people who, once they consider their partner to be “one of their own,” start to pay less attention and lose interest in the relationship.
Even though they know that saying something will upset their partner, or that apologizing will improve the situation, they are too lazy to control themselves, too lazy to take the initiative, and always think that since they’re a couple, there will always be a chance to make up for it. But such lack of effort will become a habit. Over time, all the emotional intelligence that has been cultivated is given to the workplace, friends, and even strangers, while being neglected in intimate relationships.
This pattern of “not using techniques” is not genuine; it’s being lazy.
Now that I’ve mentioned this, you probably understand that to use techniques, you first need to understand what techniques are worth learning. How to learn these techniques and how to apply them are all very complex questions. Summing it up with a simple “yes” or “no” is always somewhat one-sided.
So today, let’s just give up on standard answers and share a few of my viewpoints with you, hoping to inspire you.
“Which Techniques Are Necessary?”
1. Communication Skills
We all know the importance of communication, yet many people still use their habitual communication patterns when dating and fail to communicate effectively.
For example, the silent treatment. Many people know that it isn’t good, but when faced with a conflict, whether out of pride or not knowing how to resolve it, they instinctively use this negative approach that harms relationships.
To break free from this habit, both of you need to first agree on the importance of communication and then continuously explore communication methods that suit each other during your time together.
One friend, after many quarrels and silent treatments with her boyfriend, established a small rule between them: “Don’t hold grudges overnight!” After every quarrel, they both found opportunities to break the ice, like passing a note or buying something tasty for each other. Since then, they’ve had very few long periods of silence.
Also, replace “judgment” with “observation” and “understanding.”
What does that mean?
For example, if you want your boyfriend to intern at a big company and he refuses.
If your initial reaction is to “judge,” you might think that he’s not ambitious and doesn’t value your opinion. Once this preconception sets in, it will affect your understanding of each other.
But if instead of rushing to conclusions, you carefully consider why he turned down the opportunity, you might find that his lack of confidence stems from a previous failed internship. Or maybe he has other plans for his future? This is an opportunity for communication.
Even if in the end, you discover that he really lacks ambition and isn’t what you expected, this process is necessary and prevents many misconceptions.
2. Establishing Appropriate Boundaries
Learning to establish appropriate boundaries is also a topic that needs to be explored repeatedly in intimate relationships. Here, I mainly want to address a few misconceptions.
One misconception is not having a clear sense of boundaries, thinking that in a relationship, you should “not distinguish between you and me” and that you should use a relationship to save yourself from a dissatisfying life. Excessively depending on the other person, forgetting that two people in love are also completely independent individuals.
However, people fail to realize that no matter what kind of relationship it is, the only person responsible for us is always ourselves. You must learn to independently solve your own problems and continually renew yourself. Only then can you spontaneously love others.
On the other hand, not having a clear sense of boundaries can make us feel obligated to solve our partner’s problems and responsible for their happiness. If our partner isn’t doing well, and we can’t help them, we may feel self-blame and anxiety.
But in reality, as partners, the best we can do is provide our company and care, promptly respond to each other’s emotional needs, but we cannot assume life responsibilities for each other.
Another misconception is having overly rigid boundaries, thinking that depending on the other person is not independent enough, and being unwilling to show your weaknesses in an intimate relationship, preferring to take care of everything by yourself.
Yet the essence of an intimate relationship is emotional attachment. Emphasizing independence excessively and not understanding how to depend appropriately makes it difficult to form deep connections with others in the relationship and experience true intimacy.
3. Life Management Skills
The best romance is found in everyday life.
The transition from the passionate stage to a stable bond requires transforming the electricity of passion into mutual support and companionship in daily life, embedding love in the minutiae of daily life.
Ordinary, busy, and vexing situations are a part of life. In such circumstances, in addition to taking care of yourself, devoting your thoughts to another person, and keeping your relationship vibrant, requires wisdom and creativity.
You can set a common goal, such as attending the same school, completing a joint project, joining the same interest group, teaching each other a skill, or working out together. This process deepens the “comrade-in-arms” type of attachment.
One colleague at work, during their study abroad period, set up a “future fund” with their boyfriend. Both of them put money into this joint account every month. This action of working together for the future allows each other to feel trust and intimacy in the relationship.
Creating a sense of ceremony in a relationship is also necessary; occasional romantic gestures and surprises are precious in love.
I once watched a celebrity share his way of getting along with his wife on a TV show. He said that after they had a child, they would proactively create opportunities for a date. On the agreed-upon day, they would arrange for someone to take care of the child and then go out to dinner with the same care and attention as when they first started dating.
It’s these small ideas and activities that keep the “old married couple” feeling young in love.
They may be small things, but many small things put together make up your satisfaction and happiness in this relationship.
Finally, even if you know many rules, love will always be an adventure, and you will always face the unknown. All we can do is, with a humble heart, learn to love and be loved, and then fully enjoy this adventure.
May you have a great time playing in this endless adventure game of love.