In the process of chatting with friends, I often hear many people complaining about their current state: they really want to go back to their childhood, when they anticipated growing up to be carefree, openly expressing their affection, and enjoying life without constraints. However, adult life is not what they expected. Love brings both joy and unbearable pain. The gap between their idealized expectations and reality leads to disappointment with life, and it seems like they are powerless to change it. Many people hide behind the notion that love exists only in fairy tales, like ostriches burying their heads in the sand. What they fail to realize is that their idealized expectations of love are far from reality.

What is love, really? I have asked many friends this question and received various answers. Some say love is about giving and being good to the person you like, but I believe that’s just wishful thinking of the young. Others say love is about mutual tolerance, which I think is just a necessary skill in a relationship. Some say love is about shared values, and while that’s important, a person cannot always maintain such a captivating allure throughout their life. There are even those who see love as a contract for procreation between men and women, but such a contract seems unstable. Love is indeed complex, yet it can also be straightforward.

Love seems to be a culmination of emotional experiences. As love develops, we experience a range of emotions such as tension, joy, excitement, sadness, and pain. When these emotions combine in a romantic relationship, it triggers a sexual impulse, which can truly be called love. The origin of love lies in the sexual impulse derived from the evolution of species. From the perspective of pursuing emotional experiences, the one-dimensional approach seems inadequate in today’s society. The rapid development of same-sex relationships is due in part to childhood psychological development and directly relates to emotional experiences. The high divorce rates in recent years are also closely linked to the emotional experiences of both partners in a relationship. According to psychologist Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory, today’s society can essentially meet human physiological and safety needs, while other needs are more inclined towards human interests and experiences. Therefore, love is not just about mutual tolerance, understanding, and support, but also about emotional experiences at different stages.

Given love’s complexity, what do men and women expect in love? What kind of love are they seeking?

Men may have different expectations of love based on their personalities, but they all hope their partner is attractive, healthy, and impressive. Finding such a partner not only earns them recognition from others but also proves their own excellence in some aspect, which fills them with pride. The standards for choosing a partner are influenced by cultural history and family concepts. In Chinese culture, the deeply-rooted tradition of men being the breadwinners and women being homemakers is prevalent. Men seek high-value women, but they also desire women with maternal qualities who can take care of the family, children, and even their own parents. In a survey we conducted, most men believed that in a marriage, a woman’s career should serve as their support, enabling them to have more time for socializing and pursuing their work or life ideals. However, the survey also revealed that the emotional experiences of men during the relationship were the main reasons for divorce, significantly affecting their quality of life and work. Ideally, men want a love that does not restrain them, where women do not become a psychological burden. This allows men to find life interesting, while the women themselves are so fascinating that men are eager to explore them.

Women’s expectations may be something men never imagined. They hope for men to protect them meticulously, to be brave outside and tender at home, and to be concerned when they hurt themselves, and be forgiving when they make mistakes. Women expect men to be attentive and to remember their preferences, such as never adding ginger to the dishes when dining out, if they mention not liking it. Love for women thrives on delicacy and ceremonial gestures, making women feel loved and valued. However, in a conflict between men and women, if you trace it back, you will find that it is often caused by a few words or small incidents that trigger a woman’s insecurity.

These mutual expectations are not impossible to meet. The inability to realize our ideal love is ultimately due to the contradictions between men’s and women’s expectations, and our focus on our own expectations. We conducted a study where both men and women were asked to play their favorite games, and at the most exciting moment, they were questioned. The results showed that both men and women found it difficult to shift their focus away from the game. Men tended to divert the conversation and continue investing their energy in the game, while women, considering others’ feelings, chose to address the questions. Both were unable to break free from their intense focus.

While women hold onto their expectations, so do men. This deadlock leads to a struggle where neither side gives in. In this process, they may have forgotten the beauty of love and their own expectations, turning it into a game of expectations between men and women. Who can be more accommodating? Who can truly change the other? Once one side accepts change, the other’s expectations cannot be met, as the changed person will not help the other realize their expectations. In reality, more than 80% of couples engage in these meaningless games. The ideal love can be achieved in sync by both men and women, as long as they are willing to fulfill each other’s expectations and express their own expectations reasonably. Through subtle and consistent actions, real life and fairy tales can come closer together.