Quotes from the unfaithful: “Marriage is where passion is traded for stability. After three years, a husband treats his wife like a refrigerator. It’s always stocked with food and he never tries to fix it when it’s broken.”

My friend Yedda came to me a few days ago and shared her story:

Yedda is a homemaker with two lovely daughters. She looks stunning, with an enviable figure that doesn’t reveal her ten years of marriage.

Her husband, on the other hand, looks average and works at a real estate company. His only hobby is gaming and he never helps Yedda with household chores, nor does he show her any affection.

Whenever they argue, Yedda always ends up apologizing first. She even apologizes when her husband gets too close to other women.

She fears that their emotions will affect the children, so she constantly tolerates her husband’s behavior.

What angers Yedda the most is that her husband is impotent with her but has no issues sleeping with other women. When she discovered his hotel and sex toy purchase records, it broke her heart.

Yedda doesn’t want to divorce because she fears it would be too hard on their children and their parents. Faced with this relationship, she doesn’t know what to do.

Using Yedda’s situation, I want to discuss why affairs happen.

(This article does not aim to judge the cheaters, it simply seeks to clarify the reasons behind their actions. Cheating is wrong, and the cheaters are responsible for their actions. However, behind the affair lies marital issues, which are the responsibility of both parties. Please don’t misunderstand. It’s important to understand where the marriage went wrong, whether it leads to divorce or not, as it has its benefits.)

First of all, Yedda has been a homemaker for a long time. What’s the most fatal aspect of this?

Yedda has had minimal contact with others and has been out of touch with society, making her increasingly dependent on her husband. Nobody likes being overly dependent on someone else, so in her husband’s eyes, Yedda has become an unattractive woman.

This explains why her husband has been involved with other women and has now resorted to having an affair after being in a long-term marriage.

Yedda’s case reflects the most common reason for infidelity: when a relationship is polarized between dependence and independence, the independent partner is more likely to cheat.

How to understand this?

Think about it—when a partner becomes overly dependent on you, regardless of their physical appearance, don’t they become less attractive?

Yedda is a classic example of a dependent partner, burdened with many problems and emotional needs. When she experiences emotions, she begins to seek from her husband, hoping he can help solve her problems.

For instance, Yedda has been dealing with heavy household chores for a long time and hopes her husband can help. However, he’s too preoccupied with gaming, leaving Yedda feeling unloved. This leads to arguments, with her husband feeling overworked and wondering why she can’t let him rest. Due to financial and long-term home situations, Yedda has no choice but to depend on her husband. This explains why she always ends up apologizing after an argument.

Controlling emotions is not easy. Even though Yedda apologizes, she still feels uncomfortable. She hopes her husband can understand her and love her more.

This need makes her husband feel incompetent because he believes Yedda is being unreasonable and should have a life of her own, rather than revolve around him all the time.

The lack of genuine communication and dialogue deepens their conflicts, leading to the current situation.

In a partnership, one partner’s dependence equals the other partner’s independence.

This means, the more dependent Yedda is, the more independent her husband becomes. This imbalance in their relationship is what prompted Yedda’s husband to look for connection with other women.

I know what you want to say. You want to say that cheating is cheating, and there are no excuses.

Yes, cheating is wrong, and the cheater should be held accountable. As I mentioned earlier, we are primarily discussing the issues behind the affair. These are issues that concern both partners.

Without addressing these issues, the result would be the same even if we replaced one of the partners.

I’m not speaking in favor of the cheater, but I want everyone to understand the responsibility we need to shoulder. We do this for ourselves, okay?

Regarding this issue, a marriage and family counselor who has studied marriages for 30 years has this insight: he believes that affairs occur because someone is searching for something they lack in their marriage.

What does this mean?

Let me give you an example to make it more vivid. Imagine someone in a marriage feeling unloved, uncared for, or misunderstood (remember, everyone’s actions stem from their feelings).

Based on this counselor’s experience, when the individual finds in someone else the love they are missing in their marriage, they are attracted and slowly turn to having an affair.

In other words, because their needs are not being met in their marriage, they start looking outside for someone who can fulfill those needs. In essence, they are seeking, but the object of their search is someone outside their marriage.

This is something independent partners often do: seeking from outside.

On the other hand, dependent partners do the same thing by seeking from their partners, which makes them more reliant and dependent, believing they can get what they want.

When a dependent partner tries to obtain something from an independent partner, the independent partner cannot meet their needs. Instead, they find them to be annoying and turn to someone else to fulfill what the dependent partner seeks from them, such as understanding and care.

Why do independent partners act this way?

It’s because they believe they lack what the dependent partner wants, making them feel like a failure. They dislike feeling like a failure.

So, where do they spend their time? It’s definitely not with their partner!

In Yedda’s case, this is exactly what’s happening. She says her husband often gets too close to other women and even cheats. However, she’s never deeply thought about why her husband behaves this way.

It’s because Yedda has been a homemaker for a long time and is overly dependent on her husband. She has many demands, and her husband can’t satisfy them. He feels annoyed and turns to others to find the qualities Yedda has been seeking from him.

In terms of Yedda’s problem, on one hand, I suggest she stops compromising, improves herself, and reduces her dependence on her husband. This will stop her husband from being so reckless. Also, she should collect evidence against her husband. Even if they don’t divorce now, it doesn’t mean they won’t in the future. This is the safest course of action for her.

On the other hand, she should ask her husband to write a letter of repentance, admit to cheating, and promise to hand over his wages. The letter of repentance can also serve as evidence of the affair.

For her, this issue is like a thorn deeply embedded in her heart, and it will take a long time to heal.

So, marriage needs to be nurtured. Many people don’t understand this and think that getting married is the end of their troubles.

Cheating causes great harm to women, and it may take a long time to heal from this pain.

For those who have experienced infidelity, whatever decision you make, I hope you’ll carefully consider it. Don’t compromise because of your children, and don’t act impulsively due to sorrow.