Almost everyone who experiences relationship betrayal initially chooses to salvage the relationship and repair it. However, if you’ve heard too many stories from those who have been through it, you might not be so determined to save it.

Most people who try to salvage the relationship and continue the marriage find themselves in a situation where everything can’t go back to the way it was. Even if you put in all the effort to save the relationship, the person you’re trying to save is not the same as before, and the relationship itself has changed.

So, before deciding to salvage it, ask yourself: Has everything really passed just by saving the other person?

Why do people instinctively choose to salvage the relationship after experiencing betrayal? It’s like something that belonged to you is about to be lost, and instinctively, everyone tries to save it. On a deeper level, it’s because betrayal throws you into a complete state of insecurity and confusion. You start to believe that saving the relationship will solve your sense of security and confusion, and everything will go back to normal, as if it was all just a dream.

But in reality, things are not that simple.

People tend to focus only on the parts they care about and ignore the rest. When the part they care about is resolved, the ignored parts become the new focus.

At the moment of betrayal, the most important parts are the integrity of the marriage, repairing the relationship, and getting the other person back. At this time, the other parts are considered unimportant, even ignored. You might even think that these other parts are not important at all, that they are not even a problem.

This is why many people are so determined to salvage the relationship. The more determined they are, the more likely it is that in reality, the relationship has not been salvaged.

And once this goal is achieved, such as when the other person does come back and the betrayal ends, and the marriage starts to get back on track, you might think everything has passed. But soon you’ll realize that new problems arise, and the pain and confusion do not end just because the other person has come back.

This is when the real impact of the betrayal and the resolution of your feelings towards it truly begin. It’s not because these were not problems before, but because these issues were blocked behind the “salvage” process, so you didn’t see or realize them.

You’ll find that even though you’ve saved the other person, they are no longer the same as before. They have become unfamiliar and untrustworthy. The way you interact with each other is no longer as open and intimate as before; instead, there’s a sense of alienation, awkwardness, and formality.

Betrayal is harmful to yourself as well. Every time you face the other person, if you can’t control yourself well, you might be reminded of the pain ten out of ten times. Not seeing them makes you uneasy, and seeing them makes you restless. Then, you won’t know what to do.

One thing you must recognize and accept is that the result of betrayal is that the person you thought you knew is not the same. Before experiencing betrayal, you trusted them and didn’t think they would betray you. However, after the betrayal, you realize that they are not trustworthy and are capable of betrayal. Which one will you accept?

The reason you choose to salvage it is mainly because your mindset is stuck in the past. After trying to save it, you realize things are still not going well because you have accepted the latter conclusion. Therefore, your inner conflict will never be resolved, and that’s why things still don’t go well after trying to save it.

I always emphasize that in a marriage that has experienced betrayal, there’s no real way to mend it; there’s only a fresh start. Whether to continue the marriage or end it is not the most important or fundamental issue. What’s more important is that you need to reacquaint yourself with the other person, with the relationship and the marriage, and of course, with yourself. If you can’t accept the imperfections of the marriage, and the fact that the other person betrayed you, then divorce is the redemption.

So, the final question is: If someone who betrayed you tries to stay, do you really want them? Can you truly accept their past betrayal? Have you ever experienced this in your journey of relationships?

If you can, then you can choose to salvage it. If you can’t, don’t torture yourself. If you don’t know, take some time to think about it first.